Life is Precious & Short: Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May

26 Aug

Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May
By Robert Herrick, 1591 – 1674
.
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles today
To-morrow will be dying.
.
The glorious lamp of Heaven, the sun,
The higher he’s a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run.
And nearer he’s to setting.
.
That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.
.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

“Advocating for Another” Carnival 2012 – Day 6

by Heather Grace IPJ Staff Writer

Purple RosesThis poem is a great one to illustrate how fleeting time is. For people with chronic illness, this is a sentiment we know all too well. For us, the “good ol’ days” are all the more brief.

Having lived with chronic pain since 1999, I lost a lot of my youth. I had no idea that my youth would be stolen from my grasp all too soon. I was barely 26 when I first visited a doctor, complaining of pain in my arm, and increasing headaches. I didn’t know the entire problem was coming from my neck. That would take many more years of increasing pain, stress and difficulty with everyday life to uncover.

By the time I realized my youth had melted away, I was very ill. Looking back to see what I had lost, I was really sad. And angry. I had spent most of “good years” working my ass off between school, work and writing for a newspaper. I didn’t even stop to smell the roses, much less gather them. If I think about it for too long, it destroys me. (Tears are already crashing down my cheeks as I write this…)

It’s not easy to look back with regret, no matter the circumstance. But is all the more intense when you realize the rest of your life will be spent in constant, severe pain. Obviously, I wish I had the ability to go back, and goof off. Be a kid! Gather to my heart’s content! Be irresponsible… crazy. Stupid, even!

Instead of being a carefree kid, I look back on a lot of hard work: the 12-15 units/year I took throughout college, the late nights in the newsroom and the days coming home smelling like pizza… All of this, to get an AA and two BAs in 5 years time. Even while I was starting to feel really crummy, I was still in gung ho education mode. When my pain went from chronic to intractable, I was in the middle of my MBA program, trying to figure out how to complete my degree! I was convinced I’d be getting my life back soon, so I pushed myself to finish that degree, with help from the ADA office.

Ironically, it was all for nothing. These are degrees that I cannot even make use of today! Truthfully, I feel cheated. I’m so incredibly Type A that even now, I can’t help being hard on myself about making what seemed like wise decisions for my future! I focused so intently on my future, because I wanted out of the crappy situation I was born into… To know that I would never have to go back there. That I could depend on myself, and never have to ask them for anything ever again.

None of it mattered. I’m still broke on the verge of losing everything. I’m still considering whether I should ask them for help or not. And, I’m still feeling helpless and scared like I never wanted to be again. It sucks. To be upset that I “wasted” my youth on education is not a story you hear everyday! But, that’s life with chronic pain/chronic illness. You’re never quite the same as the normal people.

While I am by no means recommending that anyone drop out of school, I do think everyone should spend more time doing things that make them happy, whenever possible. Please just re-read the poem. Don’t put off anything that you value… even if it’s being silly with friends or taking the trip of a lifetime. You don’t need me to light a fire under you, but maybe this was a good reminder.

You may try to convince yourself that there’s all the time in the world to do the things you want to do. In your heart, you know there isn’t–I didn’t have to tell you. It’s a simple truth, but in our busy lives, we forget it sometimes: you never really know what the future will hold. So, what’s holding you back?

These days, I am happy with a “good” day where the pain isn’t too intense and I can do something that’s important to me. When I have the chance to really laugh out loud, that’s a great day. A day when I can forget about the pain for even a minute–that’s a spectacular one!

So, come on, it’s your turn. Happiness is waiting. What will you give yourself permission to do just for you? You’ve been thinking about it… now go out there and do it!

The above blog entry is part of a week-long series created by WEGO Health “Advocating for Another” Carnival 2012. You may follow my blog here, and see me on Twitter @IntractablePain. Check out other entries: #A4AMONTH.

Gather Ye Rosebuds While Ye May is available freely, in the public domain.

© 2010-2012 Intractable Pain Journal & Heather Grace. All rights reserved.

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